Ask a Disney Princess

What Is Chlamydia?

Snow White: Chlamydia is a lot like swallowing a poisoned apple transformed through magic by a witch. Except, instead of a poisoned apple, it’s more like bacteria living on dirty dwarf cock.


Cinderella: The Chlamydia bacteria can grow in the throat, vagina, penis, or absolutely anywhere on that whore “Sleeps-Around Beauty.” Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, Aurora.


Pocahontas: Chlamydia is the only thing I still have from John Smith.

What Are The Symptoms?

Jasmine: I noticed an increased difficulty riding a camel. I remember the pain and swelling. I was so embarrassed I told people I had sand in my crotch.



Belle: The symptoms are subtle so they can be hard to detect. For me, it was a searing vaginal pain when being mounted by an enormous beast, but in a different, bad way.


Ariel: My Chlamydia makes Prince Eric have sex with men. At least, he says that’s why.

How Do You Get It?

Snow White: I’m not a scientist so I can only guess, but I think the smart money is on doing the rusty trombone with Happy.


Jasmine: Chlamydia was invented by Jews.


Ariel: I got it playing a game I like to call “Finding Nemo.”

How Do You Treat It?

Cinderella: Bag the pumpkin coach and use that wish for a clean snatch. Then just hoof it home from the ball.


Ariel: Ask your dad to zap you some new legs.



Snow White: Doc insisted the only cure was a strict two week regimen of dwarf “back door.”

What Are The Effects If Left Untreated?

Cinderella: No one will be friends with you except maybe that tramp, Aurora.


Pocahontas: Your movie will be only a mild success, your people will be slaughtered in the millions, and Disney will be forced to hire dark-skinned Latinas to portray you at their amusement parks.


Belle: Your man will lose most of his hair and shrink dramatically in size, leaving you perpetually dissatisfied.